Excel Saga Variation
by A-kun
Summary: Another beginning, yadda yadda yadda, WHOA! What did Excel just say? And who's this A-kun dork?
1. ACROSS Rides Again

A man entered the room, "Hey, Rikudo, I've got this great fanfi-"  
  
With the roar of a pistol, the man entering the room fell out of   
  
the room, quite dead.  
  
"No." Rikudo declared.  
  
Suddenly, a zombie Excel's hand burst out of the ground and   
  
gripped Rikudo's leg.  
  
"Llllleeeet uuuussssss liiiiiiiiivveee...." she moaned as part of   
  
her face began to fall off.  
  
So creeped out at this unusual and horrific form of persuasion,   
  
Rikudo screamed and leapt backwards, "OKAY! FINE! YOU HAVE MY   
  
PERMISSION!"  
  
"Whew! Just in time too." A-kun said as he reanimated himself.  
  
"Yeah, the makeup was falling off." Excel responded, as the   
  
zombie makeup fell off her face, revealing that she was not, in fact, a   
  
zombie.  
  
"You... tricked me?" Rikudo asked, his eyes blazing.  
  
"Uh-oh. Exit stage left!" A-kun cried out as he spun around and   
  
raced out of the room.  
  
"Going down!" Excel proclaimed before diving beneath the floor   
  
boards.  
  
A-kun returned to the doorway, as both he and Rikudo commented on   
  
that, "Excel, don't say it like that."  
  
================  
  
Excel Saga's Opening Theme  
  
"Loyalty"  
  
Lyrics by Shinichi Watanabe  
  
That is not love  
  
Love is not that  
  
I am in love, but I am not loved  
  
Definitely isn't love  
  
Derriere isn't love  
  
I want to be loved, but I never seek it out  
  
I offer myself and throw my life away  
  
Looking neither left nor right, I will just earnestly  
  
Cheat, weedle, interfere  
  
And trample down and kick strangers!  
  
And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)  
  
And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)  
  
And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)  
  
And we get the hell out!  
  
Even if I slip on a banana peel,  
  
It's all for his sake anyway  
  
If anything, that is probably  
  
A kind of loyalty you might call love  
  
================  
  
It was a fine day for the ignorant masses, Excel considered as   
  
she skipped to her latest job at the Burger Maniac. Surely, all would   
  
go well at her job and then she could buy her first legitimate meal of   
  
the month.  
  
One of her co-workers, a young man named Invincible, strangely   
  
enough, but not that she was one to talk, was munching on a hamburger   
  
as she entered. She envied him. He noticed her envying him, with that   
  
sad puppy dog look and drool running from her mouth, "You do know that   
  
you can have a free hamburger once a day, don't you?"  
  
Excel's eyes widened, "A free hamburger?"  
  
"Yes..." Invincible responded slowly.  
  
Invincible blinked as four hamburgers disappeared down Excel's   
  
gullet in a single bite.  
  
"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! _A_ hamburger _PER_ day!" Invincible   
  
hurriedly stated, his blue eyes wide with worry.  
  
"I've been working here for six days without knowing!" Excel   
  
snapped back before gobbling down two more.  
  
Invincible groaned. It looked like it was going to be one of   
  
THOSE days. Still, at least Excel spoke the same language as him and   
  
she didn't get a homicidal gleam in her eyes when asked to cut up some   
  
fresh meat like a few of the other employees. It was also nice having   
  
someone roughly his height to talk to. The other employees and the   
  
customers seemed like giants, even though he was five foot ten inches.  
  
Invincible decided to ignore that particular problem and lamented   
  
outloud, "Man, I wish I belonged to some sort of secret para-  
  
militaristic organization that gave out random and oblique orders every   
  
day. My life is so damn boring."  
  
Excel nearly choked on her already swallowed food when he said   
  
that. Another potential member of ACROSS?  
  
The idea was both good and bad. If she introduced him to Lord   
  
Ilpalazzo and he decided Invincible was a valuable addition, she would   
  
surely get plenty of praise. On the other hand, she wasn't sure how to   
  
go about making the offer without breaking a number of ACROSS' key   
  
unwritten rules and would likely get sent into the pit a number of   
  
times in punishment.  
  
"How about you, Excel?" Invincible inquired.  
  
Excel, who was still mentally laboring over the decision on the   
  
good and bad points of introducing Invincible to Lord Ilpalazzo,   
  
snapped back to reality and sputtered, "Uh, well, that is-I'm uh-ACROSS   
  
is only a, well, uh-oh..."  
  
Luckily, Invincible wasn't paying enough attention to her   
  
ramblings as he pulled out his wallet and stared mournfully at it's   
  
meager contents, "I can't make rent again this month. I guess I'll   
  
have to try and find a cheaper apartment, but that's even worse than   
  
trying to find a better job."  
  
"How much do you have?" Excel asked, happy that Invincible hadn't   
  
picked up on her mentionings of ACROSS.  
  
"Only 45,000 yen. I don't want to dip into my savings or use my   
  
credit cards..." Invincible sighed.  
  
Excel nearly jumped for joy. She owed 35,000 in back rent and   
  
another 10,000 would pay her next month. Sure, it would mean having to   
  
live with a guy, but Invincible was a nice guy and it beat having to   
  
living out of a cardboard box.  
  
She was about to ask him if he wanted to move in with her when   
  
their manager interupted, "If you two are finished with your little   
  
discussion, we need to open up."  
  
It would have to wait until after work, though. And also after   
  
she'd discussed the issue with Lord Ilpalazzo.  
  
K de C (1) was a mercenary. She was a six foot tall woman with   
  
long reddish-brown hair. She wore blue jeans and a black shirt with an   
  
all-concealing tan raincoat that hid numerous weapons.  
  
She would do anything for the right price. She was a jill of all   
  
trades and knew more about a wider variety of things than most people   
  
could ever hope to know.  
  
Which was why she was currently doing emergency plumbing.  
  
"I understand that I agreed to 'do anything for the right price',   
  
but don't you need people killed?" K de C asked Kabapu, Chief of City   
  
Security.  
  
"Yes, but that's not as important. We needed your skills right   
  
away and besides, all of the other plumbers say it'll take a few hours   
  
to even get here." Kabapu replied.  
  
K de C growled. She instantly regretted getting all those   
  
degrees by mail. She thought by offering herself as an assassin, she   
  
would get all sorts of high intrigue jobs that would test her skills,   
  
and make her enjoy her time off as she could always reminisce about her   
  
daring line of work, she got stuck with jobs that were NOT meant for   
  
someone aiming to be a top assassin.  
  
ACROSS Headquarters was poorly lit as usual, save for Ilpalazzo's   
  
throne. Excel took her normal position over the pit (actually, it   
  
didn't matter where in the room she was, she was always over the pit)   
  
and saluted, "HAIL ILPALAZZO!"  
  
Ilpalazzo looked up from his guitar magazine, "You're rather   
  
early, Excel."  
  
"Lord Ilpalazzo, I have something to ask you! Actually, two   
  
things, but they concern the same person, so it's technically one   
  
person, but two subjects, but the subjects also related, since they   
  
apply to the same person, so I guess it's one subject for one person,   
  
but that doesn't really sound right-" Excel began to ramble as the rope   
  
cord lowered from the ceiling. She hastily cut it short, "I was   
  
wondering what the procedure would be for scouting a new recruit and if   
  
said recruit could stay at my apartment without angering you!"  
  
Ilpalazzo's hand, which had already taken hold of the rope,   
  
didn't pull. Instead, he retracted the hand and the rope ascended back   
  
to it's resting place.  
  
"Who do you think would be worthy of joining our proud   
  
organization?" Ilpalazzo inquired, his tone making it clear that a   
  
ramble would ensure some time in the pit.  
  
"It's a coworker of mine, a male teenager named Invincible!"   
  
Excel stated concisely.  
  
A screen dropped down to Ilpalazzo's right and a slide projector   
  
showed a picture of Invincible. Excel wondered when Ilpalazzo had   
  
gotten the time to procure that picture when he never seemed to leave   
  
the room.  
  
"You mean him?" Ilpalazzo inquired.  
  
Excel nodded, "He expressed an interest in joining a secret para-  
  
military organization early today."  
  
"Interesting. Bring him here, but blindfold him first."   
  
Ilpalazzo declared.  
  
"And about him staying with me?" Excel inquired.  
  
Ilpalazzo shrugged, "It doesn't matter to me."  
  
Excel whimpered, "Lord Ilpalazzo, I hoped that you would at least   
  
show concern for my safety."  
  
The rope descended again as Ilpalazzo glared at Excel, "Are you   
  
telling me that you know more about what my concerns should be?"  
  
Excel shook her head rapidly, "FORGIVE ME, LORD ILPALAZZO!"  
  
"Very well." Ilpalazzo declared.  
  
"Really?" Excel asked.  
  
Ilpalazzo nodded, then pulled the rope.  
  
Excel cried out as she fell, "IF I'M FORGIVEN, THEN WHY?"  
  
"Because we're in a groove." Ilpalazzo said, before murmurring to   
  
himself, "Ilpalazzo's New Groove... maybe I should call Disney with   
  
that idea..."  
  
K de C felt a vein throb in her forehead as she plucked at weeds.   
  
'Assassin' did NOT apply to weeds in HER definition. After today, she   
  
would definitely be changing her business cards.  
  
Invincible blinked. Excel blinked.  
  
"Wait, why did you blink?" Invincible asked Excel.  
  
"Because you did and I didn't want to be left out." Excel   
  
answered.  
  
Invincible rolled his eyes, then focused on her two proposals,   
  
"You want me to move in with you AS WELL AS join a secret organization   
  
that you're a part of?"  
  
Excel nodded, "My apartment's rent is a lot less than yours and   
  
my Lord Ilpalazzo is interested in meeting you."  
  
Invincible considered both of the dilemmas. On the one hand, he   
  
HAD always wanted to be part of a secret society and it WAS cheaper to   
  
change apartments than to try and stay at his current one. On the   
  
other hand, he wasn't sure if he wanted to be part of just ANY secret   
  
society and moving in with Excel would have all sorts of social   
  
connotations. People would think they were engaged or dating. His   
  
mother was after him to get a girlfriend and have kids and if word got   
  
back to her that he was living in the same apartment as a girl...  
  
But then again, his mother might loosen up for a while if he at   
  
least had a 'girlfriend'. As for the secret society, he already knew   
  
he was going to accept that.  
  
"Well, I suppose it wouldn't hurt too much... And I've never had   
  
a roommate..." Invincible commented.  
  
"Great! We'll leave right after work!" Excel declared.  
  
"This _is_ after work." Invincible responded.  
  
"Oh. Right." Excel replied, then laughed nervously.  
  
The world turned, making an annoying loud noise that most people   
  
ignored, save for a few crazy people, who kept screaming at the planet   
  
to shut up.  
  
Back in Japan, Excel had lead Invincible to the ACROSS HQ, as per   
  
Ilpalazzo's orders. Unfortunately, she'd forgotten the blindfold until   
  
just after introducing Invincible to Ilpalazzo. She pulled it out and   
  
tied it around Invincible's head, partially covering his line of sight.  
  
Ilpalazzo's hand tugged the rope cord and Excel fell. Shortly   
  
after she'd climbed back up, and Invincible removed the ineffective   
  
blindfold, they got down to business. Ilpalazzo handed Invincible a   
  
clipboard with a form to fill out.  
  
It contained the usual fare, Name, Age (18), Education, and   
  
Skills that may pertain to the new job. He wrote down what he could   
  
think of off the top of his head.  
  
"Will we get paid for any of this?" Invincible asked, before   
  
noting Ilpalazzo's blank stare, "Like a commission or additional   
  
benefits for successful jobs?"  
  
"You will be an officer of ACROSS when we take over the world."   
  
Ilpalazzo responded.  
  
Invincible waited for Ilpalazzo to elaborate on what that   
  
entailed, but no further explanation came. He decided to continue on   
  
the questionaire.  
  
Did he really like stabbing things? Consider his collection of   
  
swords, daggers and polearms, he had to mark yes.  
  
Finally, he completed the form and handed it back to Ilpalazzo.  
  
"You didn't mark whether or not you could control your urges to   
  
stab things." Ilpalazzo replied.  
  
"It depends on when you ask. Most of the time I can, but when   
  
I'm already stabbing something... that's another story." Invincible   
  
replied.  
  
Ilpalazzo considered that. In truth, Invincible's form was   
  
almost identical to the one Excel filled out, except for "Do you have   
  
prior stabbing experience?" (Excel's had been marked 'No').  
  
Without hesitation, he pulled out his name stamp and papped the   
  
form lightly, "Welcome to the secret para-militaristic ideological   
  
organization of ACROSS. Excel will drill you on how we start the   
  
normal meetings. For now, however, we have a daily mission to get to."  
  
A screen lowered behind both Invincible and Excel. As the duo   
  
turned, an image appeared of an afro-wearing man. The name beneath it   
  
was "Nabeshin".  
  
Ilpalazzo frowned and clicked the slide projector forward one.   
  
Another image appeared, this one showing a man wearing a straight   
  
jacket with the name "A-kun" appearing beneath it. Again, the slide   
  
projector proceeded forward. It showed a number of young attractive   
  
women wearing skimpy bikinis.  
  
"This is Model Island. It's sixteen miles away from any   
  
continent, and is heavily guarded. We received a commission today from   
  
three anonymous individuals who wish to see these women in their   
  
lingerie, but they must be living and mostly unharmed. Invincible, you   
  
are to take care of anyone who tries to remove you from the island.   
  
Excel, you will take the pictures." Ilpalazzo paused, considering   
  
Excel's track record, before changing his mind, "On second thought,   
  
Invincible will take the pictures and Excel will take care of any   
  
interference."  
  
Invincible looked half-disappointed at the swapping of jobs.   
  
Taking pictures of models in lingerie was okay, but he really had his   
  
heart set on stabbing things at the moment. Ilpalazzo tossed   
  
Invincible a strange grey box that looked like a metal shoe box.  
  
"Just point it at the models when they're in their lingerie and   
  
it'll do the rest." Ilpalazzo declared.  
  
"Okay, so how do we get there?" Invincible inquired.  
  
The rope descended...  
  
"GODDAMN IT, SHUT UP! I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!" Patient 22203   
  
screamed at the floor.  
  
"Mister A-kun, do we need to sedate you again?" the doctor   
  
warned.  
  
"Well, if Invincible and Excel would just SHUT UP!" A-kun   
  
protested.  
  
"And where is 'Invincible' and 'Excel'?" the doctor inquired.  
  
"Duh! They're passing through the Earth's Mantle on their way to   
  
the mythic Model Island, OF COURSE!!" A-kun responded, more than a bit   
  
of hysteria in his voice.  
  
"Doctor, get my elephant gun." Nurse Ratchet declared.  
  
K de C exited her apartment to go grocery shopping and stopped.   
  
How peculiar. She didn't recall a dark eerie forest that had trees   
  
that looked like the clawed fingers of demons, poisonous ponds,   
  
terrifying and well-timed flashes of lightning followed by   
  
instantaneous rolls of thunder and the smell of death and decay at the   
  
other end of the hallway of the 23rd floor.  
  
Oh well.  
  
As she walked down the path, she felt her once impervious   
  
optimistic facade melt away. She wasn't even three feet from her   
  
apartment when her psyche was broken down to that of a terrified five   
  
year old boy-er, girl.  
  
A crow cawed as it's shadow appeared on the shadow of a nearby   
  
tree, only to have the shadow of a spear pierce it's chest. The shadow   
  
crow fell from sight as a weak gurgling noise was made, then the shadow   
  
of the crow mutated into that of a horrific demon.  
  
Then K de C noticed the author making the shadows with his hands."WHAT?!" A-kun asked indignantly.  
  
Blood. It coated the floor, ran down the stairs and flowed into   
  
a convenient drain in the floor before the congealed blood blocked it.  
  
"Whelp, that takes care of them." Invincible said proudly,   
  
puffing out his chest as he somehow dusted off his blood-soaked hands   
  
and wiped the knife off on the last dead model's clothing.  
  
"I thought we were supposed to take pictures of the models, not   
  
kill them." Excel noted.  
  
"Aww man! I guess I gotta find a way to filter all this blood and   
  
get it back into their bodies." Invincible groaned, now completely   
  
bummed out.  
  
"Actually, maybe I can call for help! Oy! Great Will of the   
  
Macrocosm!" Excel cried out.  
  
"Who?" Invincible asked.  
  
A swirling void depicting a starry sky appeared in the room   
  
abruptly, with female arms attached to it's side, "Yes, Excel?"  
  
Excel addressed the void-thingy, "Ish-chan, we need you to revive   
  
all these models, but not the ugly nerd, the warty evil hag, the-"  
  
"Excel, please. I've got about ten more of these fanfics to   
  
appear in, so I'll show you a trick to speed things up. Have you ever   
  
seen The Rocky Horror Picture Show?" Ish-chan inquired.  
  
Blank stares.  
  
"Hmmm, I guess this author hasn't seen it." Ish-chan mused.  
  
"Bits and pieces." A-kun explained, appearing just as abruptly as   
  
Ish-chan, (but in poorer taste) "However, thanks to a quick websearch,   
  
I can appear to know the song that you're thinking of: The Time Warp!   
  
It'll allow you to travel back in time to when the models were still   
  
alive and take pictures of them then! Invincible, hop to it!"  
  
Invincible suddenly stepped forward and began to sing, "o/~When   
  
you went away, I was petrified...~/o"  
  
"WHOOPS! Wrong one!" A-kun laughed nervously as Ish-chan glared   
  
at him.  
  
Invincible began again as the story swapped the script format.  
  
Invincible: It's astounding;  
  
Time is fleeting;  
  
Madness takes its toll.  
  
But listen closely...  
  
Excel: Not for very much longer.  
  
Invincible: I've got to keep control.  
  
I remember doing the time-warp  
  
Drinking those moments when  
  
The Blackness would hit me  
  
Invincible: And the void would be calling...  
  
Ilpalazzo: Let's do the time-warp again.  
  
Let's do the time-warp again.  
  
A-kun: It's just a jump to the left.  
  
All: And then a step to the right.  
  
A-kun: With your hands on your hips.  
  
All: You bring your knees in tight.  
  
But it's the pelvic thrust  
  
That really drives you insane.  
  
Let's do the time-warp again.  
  
Let's do the time-warp again.  
  
Excel: It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me.  
  
So you can't see me, no, not at all.  
  
In another dimension, with voyeuristic intention,  
  
Well secluded, I see all.  
  
Invincible: With a bit of a mind flip  
  
Excel: You're into the time slip.  
  
Invincible: And nothing can ever be the same.  
  
Excel: You're spaced out on sensation.  
  
Invincible: Like you're under sedation.  
  
All: Let's do the time-warp again.  
  
Let's do the time-warp again.  
  
K de C: Well I was walking down the street just a-having a think  
  
When a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink.  
  
He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise.  
  
He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes.  
  
He stared at me and I felt a change.  
  
Time meant nothing, never would again.  
  
All: Let's do the time-warp again.  
  
Let's do the time-warp again.  
  
A-kun: It's just a jump to the left.  
  
All: And then a step to the right.  
  
A-kun: With your hands on your hips.  
  
All: You bring your knees in tight.  
  
But it's the pelvic thrust  
  
That really drives you insane.  
  
Let's do the time-warp again.  
  
Let's do the time-warp again.  
  
=======================================================================  
  
Excel Saga: Alternate Universe  
  
Episode 1 - ACROSS Rides Again  
  
Mission - Failed.... probably  
  
(1) Yes, K de C is her name. It's not short for anything.  
  
=======================================================================  
  
Hyatt Ayasugi: Is it over?  
  
Ropponmatsu (Adult): And we didn't even get our introductions...  
  
Matsuya Misaki: Don't tempt him. 


	2. Spontaneous Spelunking, Part 2

In some legends, the universe was made from the rotting carcass   
  
of a dead giant. It's armpit, to be precise.  
  
Sure is fun to hear about that when you're eating that bologna   
  
sandwich, ain't it?  
  
Thought so.  
  
There is another philosophy, one about how one's destiny was   
  
predetemined into one of eight paths: Soldier, Farmer, Merchant,   
  
Blacksmith, Slave, King, Doctor, Chef.  
  
This was later changed into one of twelve paths: Dog, Lawyer,   
  
Whiny Managers, Slaves, CEOs, Doctor, Prostitute, Ninja, Turtle Hermit,   
  
Hero, Villian, Pointless Fanservice.  
  
As so, the circle of life continues to grow and adapt.  
  
~/o THE CIRCLE OF LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII- o/~  
  
*KERBLAMMO*  
  
*THUD*  
  
Ahem, now that I've regained control of my keyboard, let's begin   
  
this travesty, shall we?  
  
//I, A-kun, posing as Rikudo Koshi, do hereby grant myself   
  
permission to make an Excel Saga story.  
  
- To A-kun//  
  
"Postage Due!" The postman declared.  
  
"Man, am I a cheapskate or what?" A-kun growled.  
  
================  
  
Excel Saga's Opening Theme  
  
"Loyalty"  
  
Lyrics by Shinichi Watanabe  
  
That is not love  
  
Love is not that  
  
I am in love, but I am not loved  
  
Definitely isn't love  
  
Derriere isn't love  
  
I want to be loved, but I never seek it out  
  
I offer myself and throw my life away  
  
Looking neither left nor right, I will just earnestly  
  
Cheat, weedle, interfere  
  
And trample down and kick strangers!  
  
And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)  
  
And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)  
  
And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)  
  
And we get the hell out!  
  
Even if I slip on a banana peel,  
  
It's all for his sake anyway  
  
If anything, that is probably  
  
A kind of loyalty you might call love  
  
================  
  
Invincible and Excel laid on their backs facing the ceiling,   
  
their heads a few feet away as they silently digested their meager meal   
  
of the day. Menchi, Excel's pet female dog/emergency food supply, also   
  
looked content for once. Ever since Invincible had shown up, both she   
  
and Excel had gotten regular meals, meaning that the likelyhood of her   
  
being eaten were minimized. Plus Invincible seemed to like dogs, in a   
  
non-edible way.  
  
Invincible looked up at Excel, "So, what do you wanna do?"  
  
"I don't know. What do you wanna do?" Excel inquired.  
  
The two sighed. It had been so incredibly dull during the week   
  
long 'holiday' that Ilpalazzo had declared. They both gazed up at the   
  
ceiling and watched as the obligatory flashback began.  
  
"You failed." Ilpalazzo declared.  
  
"How could we have failed? We got the pictures that your   
  
mysterious individuals wanted and didn't even stab the models the fifth   
  
time around." Invincible inquired.  
  
"Whether or not you completed the mission isn't the point. You   
  
both partook of a cheap plot made by the author from a pathetic video   
  
game that barely has even minimal fanservice requirements to be   
  
considered 'fanservice'. Thus, you failed." Ilpalazzo answered.  
  
"But you're the one who-" Invincible began.  
  
*TUG* went Ilpalazzo's hand on the rope cord.  
  
"AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-*" went Invincible's   
  
mouth as he plummetted.  
  
*SPLASH* went the water that Invincible fell into.  
  
"GRAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR!" went the coked-up bear that was currently   
  
bathing in said water.  
  
The door to the pit closed.  
  
"In any case, we shall adjourn until I can devise a new plan for   
  
conquering the city. Take the next week or so off. I'll contact you   
  
when your vacation is over." Ilpalazzo declared.  
  
"Adjourn?" Excel asked.  
  
*TUG* went Ilpalazzo's hand on the rope cord...  
  
"He seemed a bit irritable." Invincible commented, having seen   
  
the complete scene for the first time.  
  
"He hates being manipulated by hack writers." Excel explained.  
  
"Ah." Invincible noted.  
  
The two sighed. The vacation had coincided with the Burger   
  
Maniac burning down. Apparently, management had found out that one of   
  
the chefs was a pyromaniac, a second was a fireworks enthusiast, and a   
  
third was an arsonist a wee bit too late to stop the trio from a   
  
cooperative adventure in the back room. When the Fryalator's oil   
  
caught fire, the rest of the resturaunt was pretty much toast.  
  
Excel's hand found the daily newspaper that Invincible had   
  
brought home. She opened it up to a random page and paused.  
  
"Hey, how about this?" Excel inquired, rolling over and laying   
  
the paper against the floor. Invincible rolled over, then rolled over   
  
the other way so that he was lined up with Excel and the paper.  
  
"Free syringe with every gram of coke?" Invincible inquired.  
  
"No, the one below that." Excel responded.  
  
"Youngest daughter of three arrested for abusive habits in Nerima   
  
Distict, Fiancee marries seven other women?" Invincible asked.  
  
Excel sighed, "Wrong way. I was talking about the ad that reads   
  
'Expendable Extras and/or Main Characters Wanted to Explore F City   
  
Ruins'."  
  
"Oh, that one." Invincible said, blushing with embarrassment.  
  
Ilpalazzo looked down his copy of the Evil Overlord List,   
  
"Visually appealing... dammit! Why doesn't this ever mention anything   
  
for musically-inclined overlords?"  
  
Invincible and Excel looked at the two backpacks full of standard   
  
archaelogical equipment, such as fedora hats, bullwhips, German Lugers   
  
+ appropriate ammo, rope, military iron rations, flashlights with six   
  
sets of spare batteries, and a copy "The Ruin Crawling Guide For   
  
Complete Morons".  
  
"Did you buy this?" Invincible asked.  
  
Excel shook her head, then spoke up as she noticed a tag on each   
  
one, "Well, this one has my name on it and that one has yours."  
  
"So, it's a stupid plot device." Invincible declared.  
  
"More than likely." Excel agreed.  
  
"And why didn't we ever notice the moss-covered ruins right   
  
across from our apartment building?" Invincible asked.  
  
Excel shrugged.  
  
K de C sighed as she stood outside the ruins of F City. Kabapu   
  
had paid her to go in with the paid explorers to make certain that   
  
"none of them posed a threat to the city". Which was rather   
  
ambigiously stated, as just about anything could be a 'threat' to the   
  
city.  
  
At least she had a co-worker. Matsuya Misaki, the newest member   
  
of the City Security, had red hair and eyes, was one-quarter british   
  
and used the suffix '-kun' when referring to scoundrels.  
  
"It wasn't funny when the original series did it." Matsuya told   
  
the author.  
  
"Sorry!" A-kun apologized.  
  
K de C glanced around. There were plenty of extra characters,   
  
but none were worthy of noting. Suffice it to say, most would probably   
  
die or be ignored unless the author decided to give them a higher role   
  
in the story.  
  
"K de C! Look time no see!" Invincible rhymed, seeing his old   
  
friend as he and Excel approached the ruins.  
  
"Invincible! I thought you died back in Madsteram!" K de C   
  
replied.(1)  
  
"Well, you know, what with the name and all..." Invincible   
  
responded, a bit sheepish, before asking a question of his own, "So,   
  
what are you doing here?"  
  
"I'm on the job too. Who's your pouting friend?" K de C asked.  
  
Invincible turned to see that Excel was, indeed, pouting at the   
  
lack of attention, "Oh, this is Excel. Excel, this is K de C, an old   
  
friend of mine. We used to work together for the same organization."  
  
"And this is my partner, Matsuya Misaki, but she prefers   
  
Matsuya." K de C responded.  
  
Introductions concluded as a grey-haired man with a green beard   
  
appeared in front of the crowd.  
  
The green-bearded man snorted as he glared at the crowd, "My name   
  
is Irrelevant. I'm the land-owner for these ruins. However, since   
  
this is an archaelogical find of the century, F City rules say that I   
  
can't claim anything until an archaelogical exploration has taken all   
  
that they could from the site. So, to speed things up, you evil   
  
vultures are going to do that for me. I hope you all die so I can keep   
  
everything!"  
  
Confused by the long-winded speech, Invincible was about to clap   
  
when K de C stopped him. She shook her head. Invincible nodded in   
  
comprehension. At least, he thought he comprehended what she was   
  
implying.  
  
Irrelevant gave one last mean glare towards each of the crowd   
  
members before throwing a smoke bomb at his feet and walking away,   
  
despite the fact that the smoke bomb failed to go off. It rolled down   
  
the stairs towards the crowd.  
  
Excel, following standard logic for parser games, picked up the   
  
smoke bomb. It would no doubt be of use later if the author chose to   
  
focus on it.  
  
A short-haired woman took Irrelevant's place in front of the   
  
crowd. She patted her black hair briefly, before speaking up, "My name   
  
is Momoji and I'll be the ruins exploratory manager. There are five   
  
entrances to the ruins, so please pair up and report to me when you're   
  
in a group that suits you."  
  
K de C, Matsuya, Excel and Invincible found themselves teaming up   
  
as the extras all made small groups of their own.  
  
"I suppose splitting it four ways wouldn't be too bad."   
  
Invincible commented.  
  
"It'll be just like Maricea." K de C replied.  
  
"Heh. That was pretty cool how Ian managed to-" Invincible   
  
began.  
  
K de C grinned, "-and how Tina used that tricked out-"  
  
"-or how about when you had those-" Invincible interupted.  
  
K de C chuckled, "-and then you said to the Prime Minister,"  
  
"'IT'S YOURS NOW!'" they said in unison, before breaking down in   
  
laughter.  
  
"I feel left out." Excel noted.  
  
"Indeed." Matsuya agreed.  
  
Then, without warning, the scene changed.  
  
Shioji Gojo was a genius. A perverted lolicon without the common   
  
sense that evolution granted to 95% of the human race, but a genius   
  
nonetheless. His genius was focused around robotics, programming and   
  
advanced circuitry, all of which lacked any need for common sense.  
  
Of course, there were more than a few times when Kabapu wished   
  
that his most brilliant student was a bit more understanding of the   
  
basic requirements needed for robots to operate within a human society   
  
without being noticed.  
  
"Yes, Shioji, you did fix the problem of Nimatsu walking into   
  
walls repeatedly. But _NOW_, we have the problem of her walking   
  
THROUGH the walls." Kabapu explained.  
  
"It solved your first problem." Shioji responded, offended that   
  
such a minor problem was being picked at. His genius mind didn't like   
  
being nagged at for petty reasons.  
  
Kabapu sighed. It was going to be a long day. He could feel it.  
  
Nimatsu entered the room. She stood roughly five feet tall, with   
  
light pink hair and dark purple eyes. Of course, she was carrying ten   
  
plates of food, which was very unusual. At least, until she spoke,   
  
"Master Shioji, Mister Kabapu, it is time for you to eat your five   
  
dietary meals..."  
  
"I'll see what I can do." Shioji told Kabapu quickly.  
  
Kabapu stood up with Shioji. It would be a long day as they   
  
headed to tackle Nimatsu and turn her off.(2)  
  
Invincible twitched. Excel groaned. K de C sighed. Matsuya   
  
looked for something to shoot to vent her frustration. In front of   
  
them were a myriad of over twenty passageways.  
  
"This is the TENTH time we've come back to this intersection!"   
  
Excel declared after counting the number of marks they'd made on the   
  
floor.  
  
"This is INSANE! We've tried ten turns, and each time, come back   
  
to this exact same place!" K de C snarled.  
  
"DAMMIT! I WANNA FIND SOMETHING!" Invincible yelled, jumping up   
  
and down angrily.  
  
Just then, the floor beneath them made a very loud cracking noise   
  
and slipped down an inch. The quartet exchanged worried glanced just   
  
before the floor gave way.  
  
=======================================================================  
  
Excel Saga: Alternate Universe  
  
Episode 2 - Spontaneous Spelunking, Part 2  
  
Mission - Failed.... probably  
  
(1) No, not Amsterdam.  
  
(2) Ni = Two, Nimatsu is the second robot that Shioji has made for   
  
Kabapu. Don't ask what happened to the first.  
  
=======================================================================  
  
Hyatt: Still not in the story.  
  
Ropponmatsu: I'll keep you company. ^_^  
  
Hyatt: How did you make that symbol appear?  
  
Ropponmatsu: It's a simple matter of hacking the author's computer.  
  
Hyatt: Oh, really? ^o^  
  
Ropponmatsu: Indeed. ^_- 


	3. The Enormous Statue

There were fifteen armies assembled. They looked angrily across   
  
the field at each other. In the middle of the field was a house with a   
  
modest farmer. On a whim, he looked outside to check the weather and   
  
noticed the armies.  
  
The farmer's left eye twitched.  
  
The armies slicked back their 50s style hair and began dancing   
  
while snapping their fingers in time to a familiar tune.  
  
"NO SINGING!" the farmer roared.  
  
Suddenly, and in unison, and very abruptly, that is to say   
  
without warning, they all whipped off their nehru jackets, revealing   
  
pink dougis beneath. They rolled forward and yelled, "OOSHA! We, The   
  
Shotokan Clone Army, do hereby grant A-kun permission to continue   
  
writing his Excel Saga Variation story!"  
  
The farmer's son, who'd been cleaning out the tall tower, was   
  
startled by the mass declaration, fell from the tall tower, landed   
  
safely and began to sing about it.  
  
"NO SINGING!" the farmer shrieked hysterically.  
  
Behind the army of Shotokan Clones, A-kun grinned, "It's one   
  
thing to break their bodies, but breaking their wills? That takes   
  
patience."  
  
================  
  
Excel Saga's Opening Theme  
  
"Loyalty"  
  
Lyrics by Shinichi Watanabe  
  
That is not love  
  
Love is not that  
  
I am in love, but I am not loved  
  
Definitely isn't love  
  
Derriere isn't love  
  
I want to be loved, but I never seek it out  
  
I offer myself and throw my life away  
  
Looking neither left nor right, I will just earnestly  
  
Cheat, weedle, interfere  
  
And trample down and kick strangers!  
  
And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)  
  
And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)  
  
And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)  
  
And we get the hell out!  
  
Even if I slip on a banana peel,  
  
It's all for his sake anyway  
  
If anything, that is probably  
  
A kind of loyalty you might call love  
  
================  
  
Excel groaned.  
  
"I thought my butt would crack..." Excel commented as she looked   
  
around the room she was in. Invincible, K de C and Matsuya were   
  
nowhere to be seen.  
  
However, there was something in the room she was in. It was a   
  
golden sarcophagus, very remiscient of the sort seen in egyptian   
  
exihibits at museums. The only difference was this particular   
  
sarcophagus was in the giant claws of a nasty-looking jade statue.  
  
Excel didn't recall ever seeing the creature that the statue   
  
depicted. She severely doubted that such a creature could have existed   
  
in nature. Fanfiction or anime, sure, but not in nature.  
  
Then, Excel realized that a gold sarcophagus probably had   
  
something cool inside of it!  
  
She hurried up to the sacrophagus... or rather, she climbed up   
  
the status's left knee, then jumped onto it's left arm to stand beside   
  
the sarcophagus. As she touched the lid, the entire sarcophagus began   
  
to glow with a brilliant yellow light and opened, revealing young dark-  
  
haired woman within. A green energy forcefield covered the top, but   
  
dispersed seconds after the lid vanished.  
  
Excel blinked. The last time she'd touched a sarcophagus, all   
  
that'd happened was that it fell on her. The girl inside the fancified   
  
coffin had wavy black hair and wore faint strips of cloth over most of   
  
her body. In her right hand was a golden scythe and in her left was   
  
large spiked mace. Excel took a moment to pout over the fact that the   
  
girl had larger breasts, but quickly got over it as the girl woke up.  
  
"Good morning, chief priestess. Is breakfast ready?" the girl   
  
inquired as she sat up.  
  
Excel stared, "I'm not a priestess, nor am I a chief, therefore,   
  
I can't be a chief priestess."  
  
The girl blinked, "Oh dear. Then I suppose you forgot to disarm   
  
the guardian of the statue."  
  
"The what of the what now?" Excel asked.  
  
Just as she finished asking, the statue's eyes began to glow blue   
  
as cracks ran up and down it's entire body.  
  
"Her. Oh dear, I suppose you and I will be violently killed now.   
  
Oh well, it was a good run." the girl stated apathetically as her   
  
stomach growled, "But I don't suppose you have something I can eat   
  
before I die, do you?"  
  
Excel didn't answer. She grabbed the girl's wrist, causing the   
  
girl to drop her scythe and mace as they ran. The statue's body began   
  
to crack more violently as they exited the room...  
  
Invincible groaned. Whatever had hit him across the eyes felt   
  
somewhat soft, but had something hard in the middle. He reached up to   
  
feel for what it was from the opposite side-  
  
"DON'T TOUCH ME THERE!" Matsuya roared as she hopped off of him   
  
and slammed her fist into his head, cratering the stone beneath his   
  
head.  
  
"MORRWY!" Invincible apologized through fist. Who knew she was   
  
touchy about her feet?  
  
"Where's K de C?" Matsuya inquired as she pulled her fist off of   
  
his face.  
  
"Don't know." Invincible responded, "I was underneath your feet   
  
at the time."  
  
Invicible leapt to his feet and shrugged off his injury as   
  
Matsuya examined the room. They seemed to be a ten foot by ten foot   
  
room with no exits, save for the ceiling, which had a gaping   
  
Invincible-shaped hole.  
  
"Well, we might as well see what's up there." Invincible   
  
commented.  
  
"Right, come over here." Matsuya said, motioning him to one side.  
  
Questions entered into Invincible's mind. Did she have a plan?   
  
Was she going to run over and jump up, ala those old Woman Woman/Bionic   
  
Man shows? Did she want to make out? It seemed that for all the   
  
questions that raced through Invincible's mind, not one was correct.  
  
*BOOT*  
  
Invincible coughed violently as his stomach slammed into the edge   
  
of the hole he'd made during the fall. He dug his fingers into the   
  
stone floor as Matsuya grabbed his ankles and levered herself up onto   
  
the next level, then left him to climb up on his own.  
  
"Bitch." Invincible muttered under his breath.  
  
"What was that?" Matsuya asked.  
  
"I said 'Fish', 'cause I could sure go for some right about   
  
now." Invincible answered, rubbing his stomach. He was actually trying   
  
to ease the pain, but it came out looking the same.  
  
They were now in a long stone hallway, lined with lit torches   
  
that hung on the wall.  
  
Matsuya commented on it as she plucked a torch from the wall, "It   
  
would seem that someone has already been through here."  
  
"Or some_thing_. Remember, we don't know anything about these   
  
ruins." Invincible corrected.  
  
"HOT SOUP! COMING THROUGH!" Excel yelled as she and a strange   
  
girl ran down the hall. Excel tossed the girl onto Invincible's back,   
  
"You carry her!"  
  
"What am I? A pack mule?" Invincible demanded as Excel grabbed   
  
his shoulder and Matsuya's wrist and began dragging them along with   
  
her.  
  
"At least tell us what's going on!" Matsuya demanded as she and   
  
Invincible began running with Excel instead of being dragged.  
  
"And tell us who this girl with the nice rack is." Invincible   
  
joined in.  
  
Invincible found himself sporting a painful welt on top of his   
  
head for his comment.  
  
"My name is Princess Hyatt Rosealyn Ayasugi, heiress to the   
  
Dynasty of Robotica." the girl explained.  
  
"Fascinating! FASTER!" Excel cried, as she glanced behind them.  
  
"What's chasing us?" Invincible inquired of Hyatt.  
  
"It's a Mark XXXVIII.II Guardian Model D Eliminator." Hyatt   
  
explained.  
  
"Is that bad?" Matsuya asked.  
  
"Well, I don't think any of the non-Defense models prior to it's   
  
construction could survive against it and a Mark II could kill an   
  
entire village in under five minutes." Hyatt pleasantly explained.  
  
Matsuya and Invincible began running faster.  
  
"Mark III destroy a nearby kingdom... Mark V rook out Earth's   
  
third, fourth and fifth moons... I think it was either Mark VII or VIII   
  
that destroyed a galaxy.... Mark XII melted.... Mark XVII started   
  
breeding these half-human half-ape thingies he called 'Saiyans' on a   
  
distant planet, but he could slaughter them all even when they went to   
  
their 'Super Saiyan IX' stage... Mark XXIX settled down and began   
  
writing stories under the name 'Nabeshin'...." Hyatt continued to   
  
ramble.  
  
"Hey, do you hear something?" Matsuya asked.  
  
"Yeah, but getting her to shut up is the real trick." Invincible   
  
grumbled, gaining a second skull thump for his remark because he was   
  
too busy complaining and not busy ducking enough.  
  
They continued down the hallway.  
  
K de C was lost. However, knowing the jerk-hole that was the   
  
author of the fanfic, rather than let him scare her with another shadow   
  
puppet display, she fell back on a well-used cliche. She grumbled as   
  
she wiped the cliche off her pants as best as she could with a napkin,   
  
and began to sing to ward off any further pranks.  
  
And to aid her singing career, the author changed the story   
  
temporarily into script format.  
  
K de C: Oh, I'm a Mercenary and I'm okay!  
  
I work all night and I sleep all day!  
  
Extras: She's a mercenary, and she's okay.   
  
She sleeps all night and she works all day.  
  
K de C: I cut down crowds. I eat my lunch.   
  
I go to the lavatory.  
  
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'   
  
And have buttered scones for tea.  
  
Extras: She cuts down crowds. She eats her lunch.   
  
She goes to the lavatory.   
  
On Wednesdays she goes shopping   
  
And has buttered scones for tea.  
  
She's a mercenary, and she's okay.   
  
She sleeps all night and she works all day.  
  
K de C: I cut down trees. I skip and jump.   
  
I like to press wild flowers.   
  
I put on ambigious clothing   
  
And hang around in bars.  
  
Extras: She cuts down trees. She skips and jumps.   
  
She likes to press wild flowers.   
  
She puts on ambigious clothing   
  
And hangs around in bars?!  
  
She's a mercenary, and she's okay.   
  
She sleeps all night and she works all day.  
  
[Just as the author and K de C were about to invent the third verse,   
  
Excel, Invincible (still carrying Hyatt) and Matsuya burst through the   
  
wall and fell on top of K de C. The author, sensing he could no longer   
  
get away with ignoring the story to make a musical, decided to switch   
  
the story to prose.]  
  
"Verily, ye wenches and bastard, whilst thee watch thine petards   
  
are momenting towards?" K de C demanded.  
  
Invincible apologized, "Twas not our intent to do thee harm, good   
  
lady. We t'were running from a beast, milady."  
  
"Rubbish! T'were a mechanical contraption!" Excel scolded   
  
Invincible.  
  
"Nay, it couldst not be mechanical! It canst eat, dost digest   
  
and may lay waste." Hyatt spoke up.  
  
Matsuya decided to be the arbitrator, "Mayhaps a bio-mechanical   
  
contraption?"  
  
"Aye! Verily couldst be!" Excel and Hyatt agreed.  
  
"Yay, then shouldst we getteth the fucketh out of Dodge-eth?" K   
  
de C asked.  
  
The author changed the story back to it's original setting   
  
(whatever that had been) and continued the scene. Mostly because his   
  
head hurt trying to understand their Olde Englishe Prose.  
  
The quintet turned and ran away, trampling the once-singing   
  
extras to death. Most of the group promptly skidded to a halt when a   
  
character with a description longer than 'dead body' or 'female dead   
  
body' appeared in front of them, as opposed to skidding to a abrupt   
  
halt against a wall, as Invincible did.  
  
"Oh my, this pack mule seems to be bleeding a great deal." Hyatt   
  
noted.  
  
The others, who were waiting patiently for the new character to   
  
be described, responded in unison, "He'll get over it."  
  
The new character was female, roughly six feet tall with short   
  
purple hair, had dark purple eyes and wore a white skin-tight leotard   
  
that turned nearly translucent as it was pulled tight by the girl's   
  
enormous-  
  
"-boobies, which is the pluralization of a rather stupidly name   
  
bird." a teacher told her class.  
  
"Why does this author have a fixation on enormous breasts?" Excel   
  
demanded.  
  
"And why did he bother to have an abrupt cut away without do some   
  
sort of roundabout method of getting back to us, like in Austin Powers,   
  
which he's obviously ripping off?" K de C joined in.  
  
Invincible, having recovered from most of his injuries, save for   
  
the bleeding, answered for the author, "The boobs were part of the   
  
original design for the characters, but the rip off thing was cut short   
  
in hopes that people might not care if it's not dragged out."  
  
"Wait, there's only one other large-chested female in our   
  
original story," Matsuya began, "And that would be Roppomatsu Adult /   
  
Number One (or "One" for short)!"  
  
"Correct, however, in this rewrite, I am the Guardian of the   
  
Statue." Ropponmatsu One explained.  
  
"Man, it sucks not having an imaginative author." Excel   
  
commented.  
  
Suddenly, the ruins exploded.  
  
"OH REAL MATURE, A-KUN!" Excel yelled as she and the others flew   
  
off into the distance.  
  
=======================================================================  
  
Excel Saga: Alternate Universe  
  
Episode 3 - The Enormous Statue  
  
Mission - Failed. Definitely Failed.  
  
=======================================================================  
  
Iwata Norikuni: Why can't WE be in the story?  
  
Toru Watanabe: Because he's probably trying to figure out what to do   
  
with us.  
  
Sumiyoshi Daimaru: Hey! I can talk! 


	4. That Lady

Darkness. Why is it that people fear it? Darkness in and of   
  
itself can do no harm. Sure, you might bark your shins on a coffee   
  
table or trip over the dog or even run into a wall without   
  
foreknowledge, but that still doesn't equate to fear (unless you're a   
  
wuss).  
  
Light, taken to the same extreme, can be painful and leave you   
  
disoriented. Thus, you again bark your shins on a coffee table, trip   
  
over the dog or even run into a wall without foreknowledge, but people   
  
don't blame light as much.  
  
And why is darkness attributed to evil? Things don't go dark   
  
when an explosion goes off. No one was ever cut in half by irradiated   
  
darkness being focused through a lens to produce a beam, because it's   
  
not possible. And fire, one of the oldest and primitive destructive   
  
forces on earth, emits LIGHT.  
  
I will probably never know why this irrational belief system   
  
remains, but I hereby grant myself permission to write another Excel   
  
Saga episode.  
  
- A-kun  
  
================  
  
Excel Saga's Opening Theme  
  
"Loyalty"  
  
Lyrics by Shinichi Watanabe  
  
That is not love  
  
Love is not that  
  
I am in love, but I am not loved  
  
Definitely isn't love  
  
Derriere isn't love  
  
I want to be loved, but I never seek it out  
  
I offer myself and throw my life away  
  
Looking neither left nor right, I will just earnestly  
  
Cheat, weedle, interfere  
  
And trample down and kick strangers!  
  
And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)  
  
And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)  
  
And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)  
  
And we get the hell out!  
  
Even if I slip on a banana peel,  
  
It's all for his sake anyway  
  
If anything, that is probably  
  
A kind of loyalty you might call love  
  
================  
  
It had been a week since the additions of Ropponmatsu and Hyatt   
  
to the apartment and ACROSS. The two no longer had a home, thanks to   
  
the author arbitrarily blowing up their former residence, so Invincible   
  
and Excel had taken pity on the two estranged individuals and brought   
  
them into their meager apartment.  
  
Invincible was beginning to miss having an apartment all to   
  
himself as he banged on the door to the bathroom, "Hey, come on! _I_   
  
need to brush my teeth too, you know."  
  
"The ceremonial cleansing of the tartar from the princess' mouth   
  
will conclude in thirteen seconds." Ropponmatsu answered.  
  
"Sarah-what?" Invincible asked, opening the door to get a direct   
  
response.  
  
Ropponmatsu turned her head, the precision lasers that she had   
  
been using to clear the tartar off of Hyatt's teeth narrowly missing   
  
Invincible's head as he ducked. Ropponmatsu quickly turned off her   
  
laser eyes, as part of the door slid and fell to the floor, cut cleanly   
  
off it's hinges by Ropponmatsu's lasers.  
  
"You should not have interupted. I'm a mere eight seconds away   
  
from giving Princess Hyatt perfect dental health for yet another day."   
  
Ropponmatsu admonished him.  
  
"Yeah, I'll make a note not to interupt that again." Invincible   
  
responded, extremely shaken by the idea of having his head severed. So   
  
shaken, that he didn't even have the gall to inquire why Ropponmatsu   
  
was using impractical lasers for dental hygiene.  
  
Invincible closed the door and patiently waited for Hyatt and   
  
Ropponmatsu to exit the bathroom before attempting to enter.  
  
Breakfast took almost as long. Ropponmatsu insisted that she   
  
needed to feed her princess as part of her protocol. While it had been   
  
a rather comical sight to see someone who was perfectly healthy being   
  
fed by a robot the first day or two, it had grown into something of a   
  
pet peeve. An even bigger pet peeve was that Ropponmatsu calculated   
  
how long it took Hyatt to eat and digest, so she often started   
  
breakfast early and had Hyatt eating before Excel and Invincible were   
  
even done brushing their teeth.  
  
"Why couldn't we have just let K de C take them?" Invincible   
  
asked as he spat out his rinse water and wiped him mouth dry.  
  
"Because I'm responsible for waking them both up. Besides, I   
  
thought guys got off on the thought of being in the same apartment with   
  
three girls." Excel answered, spitting out her own rinse water.  
  
"That's a sexual fantasy and you know it. This doesn't equate to   
  
that like being in the same room with three half-naked Ilpalazzos would   
  
be for you, okay? This is more like staying home with my mom, only   
  
more annoying." Invincible answered as Excel wiped her mouth dry.  
  
"Mister Invincible, Miss Excel, could I discuss something with   
  
you while Princess Hyatt watches television?" Ropponmatsu inquired.  
  
"Sure." Invincible agreed.  
  
Ropponmatsu lead them both outside. Invincible took a second to   
  
admire the ugly crater that the author had left behind while Excel took   
  
a deep breath of fresh air.  
  
"What did you want to talk about?" Excel inquired.  
  
"I've done some calculating and it will be impossible for us to   
  
maintain rent and pay for groceries at the current budget." Ropponmatsu   
  
declared.  
  
"Look, part time is about all we can get. All the full time jobs   
  
in this country are gone or so undesirable that they make begging look   
  
like it's the fast track to fame and fortune." Excel explained.  
  
"Are there any alternate places we could go for food or a way to   
  
gather more money that you can think of?" Ropponmatsu asked.  
  
"Not since the Burger Maniac burned down. And Pizza Bell. And   
  
Taco Hut. McZephyr's too. Damned arsonist. He knows damn well what   
  
he's doing!" Invincible said, glaring down at the aforementioned   
  
arsonistic chef as he set a gopher on fire, then proceeded to set the   
  
gopher's burrow on fire, "STOP BURNING SHIT, YOU ARSEHOLE!"  
  
"Perhaps you could turn to your families?" Ropponmatsu inquired.  
  
"Do I even have a family?" Excel asked the author.  
  
"Well, there's a ten year old girl in a European town in a   
  
completely different series named 'Saga', but other than the loosest of   
  
connections, I can't think of anyone." the author answered.  
  
"I could talk to my aforementioned mother..." Invincible spoke   
  
up.  
  
Excel and Ropponmatsu glanced at the author, who gave them the   
  
thumbs up. Once their attention was off him and back on Invincible,   
  
the author cackled, rubbed his hands together and snuck off across a   
  
field of dry sticks.  
  
*KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP*  
  
"DID YOU GUYS HEAR SOMETHING?" Invincible shouted.  
  
*KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP*  
  
"NAH!" Ropponmatsu and Excel answered.  
  
*KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP**_KER_-_SNAPPO_*  
  
"WE GET IT ALREADY!" the trio shouted at the author.  
  
Ilpalazzo, commander of ACROSS, looked at the enormous book in   
  
front of him, labeled "Instructions".  
  
He looked at the pile of materials next to him, then at the box   
  
both the book and materials came in, "Easy to assemble recliner...   
  
instructions included...."  
  
Ilpalazzo's left eye twitched impercetively, "It's like an Ogre   
  
with an iron rod... and a habit of self-bludgeoning."(1)  
  
He announced to himself, "Someone must die. Someone else must   
  
get me a tuna fish sandwich."  
  
With those two declarations firmly in mind, he reached for his   
  
cell phone.  
  
Excel sighed as she looked at the clear blue sky and sipped her   
  
tea, "It's amazing how much a story can progress with the brief cut   
  
aways presented. Even though we've done a lot of things, the readers   
  
haven't seen a thing, leading them to believe that this is just a   
  
fictional story written by a hack writer who couldn't piece together a   
  
story if his life depended on it, but in truth, he's probably as good   
  
as most of the other writers out there, even though he's putting these   
  
self-flattering words in my mouth."  
  
"That's... nice..." Invincible said, his knees trembling as he   
  
remained crouched, "But why do I have to carry all THREE of you?! AND   
  
WHILE WE'RE RIDING THE TRAIN?!"  
  
"Ropponmatsu explained this. Hyatt got the palanquin treatment   
  
for most of her life, so she can't walk very far without fainting. You   
  
weren't carrying her right, so Ropponmatsu decided to carry Hyatt while   
  
you carried them both. And you never asked us to get off your back   
  
when we got on the train, so we assumed that you didn't mind." Excel   
  
explained.  
  
"Okay, but why are YOU on my back?" Invincible asked.  
  
"I didn't want to be left out." Excel answered.  
  
Invincible groaned.  
  
"Mister Invincible, given that the author seems to have it in for   
  
you, can you think of any potentially awkward or difficult situations   
  
that might arise from us visiting your parental units?" Ropponmatsu   
  
inquired.  
  
"Now that you mention it, I just remembered my mom. And I hope   
  
one of you doesn't mind pretending to be my girlfriend." Invincible   
  
responded.  
  
"Let me guess, your father made some sort of blood oath that you   
  
would have a girlfriend before you went home or you'd both commit   
  
seppuku?" Excel guessed.  
  
"Your mother is a perverted nymphomaniac who'll lay anyone who   
  
shows up on her doorstep?" Hyatt joined in, hoping hers was the correct   
  
guess.  
  
Ropponmatsu made some calculations, "Your mother made a bet with   
  
another member of your family that you would be married before your   
  
twenty-first birthday and your branch of the family would lose their   
  
prestige if you failed?"  
  
"No, thank the author NO, and no." Invincible answered, "She just   
  
keeps trying to hook me up with various women. My mother's idea of   
  
'good' leaves much to be desired." Invincible answered.  
  
"PFFFFT! That's not original at ALL!" the three girls chorused.  
  
"DAMMIT! WHY DOES MY AUTHOR SUCK?!" Invincible asked, tears   
  
running down his face.  
  
A Brazillian immigrant patted him on the shoulder, "Pedro knows   
  
how you feel."  
  
Excel stared at the brazillian immigrant, "But you're not Pedro.   
  
You're THE BRAZILLIAN BISEXUAL!"(2)  
  
The man blinked, "No, I'm not. I'm Gomez."  
  
Recalling who Gomez was in the original series, the quartet   
  
proceeded to draw their stabbing knives...  
  
K de C sighed. She hadn't gotten a scene for most of the fanfic   
  
and now that she had one, she wished she hadn't. Once again, what   
  
should have been a day off was being spent training three nearly   
  
worthless recruits.  
  
No, she corrected herself, two passable recruits and one human   
  
flesh bag. The third member of the group was so annoying that, when   
  
she rated them individually, the others scored very high, but when a   
  
group score came about, the score was inverted.  
  
The first was tall, tan and relatively handsome male teenager   
  
with black hair parted down the middle. While that hairdo tended to   
  
rather dorky on most people, Toru Watanabe could pull it off. His dark   
  
eyes reflected a lot of concerns and worry, but also a lot of focus.   
  
He was, in K de C's eyes, the best of the trio.  
  
The second was about a head shorter than Toru, a husky young man   
  
with dark hair parted on the right side. He wore mirror-lens glasses   
  
and didn't speak much, definite points in his favor. Sumiyoshi Daimaru   
  
was, perhaps, not in the best physical condition, but was certainly   
  
much better than the third new recruit.  
  
The third, Iwata Norikuni, was about as tall as Toru, with spiky   
  
brown hair and vacant brown eyes. K de C refused to believe that the   
  
sperm that produced Iwata had beaten out a million others. The light   
  
was on, the wheel was turning, but the hamster was most definitely   
  
dead. The gates were broken, the lights were spasming, and the train   
  
had derailed. If his IQ ever got to 50, Iwata should sell. Iwata's   
  
intellect had reached rock bottom of what K de C had thought possible   
  
and proceeded to dig. If Iwata was any stupider, he would have to be   
  
watered twice daily.  
  
K de C's thoughts on Iwata's stupidity continued further, but due   
  
to constraints on the author's attention span, they were kept to her.  
  
If it weren't for the fact that Kabapu was paying her double   
  
overtime not to kill any of the recruits (at least for the first week,   
  
anyway), K de C would have already rolled Iwata in a tatami mat, dunked   
  
it in cement and thrown him into a river.(3)  
  
"Hey, teach, when do we get our free passes to the strip club   
  
that you work at?" Iwata spoke up.  
  
"What... did... you... just... ask?" K de C inquired in a terse   
  
tone as her left eye twitched dangerously.  
  
"Well, your name is 'K de C', right? That's a stripper's name,   
  
isn't it?" Iwata asked.  
  
[Well,] K de C thought to her self as she pulled out her favorite   
  
weapons, a set of icicle daggers, [it looks like I won't be getting   
  
that bonus after all.]  
  
Excel couldn't understand why she had been chosen to be   
  
Invincible's girlfriend. Then, she recalled the conversation that   
  
she'd witnessed and realized why.  
  
Ropponmatsu was a robot (Invincible insisted that she couldn't   
  
possibly be prepared for the sorts of questions and situations that   
  
might arise). Hyatt was briefly considered until Ropponmatsu tore a   
  
car in half in barely restrained rage, thus the matter was dropped.   
  
Excel was selected because she could not tear a car in half, nor was   
  
she was a robot.  
  
Invincible, for his part, was doing his best not to indulge in   
  
the obviousness of the author's setup by walking briskly with his three   
  
passengers, trying to get to the destination as quickly as possible.  
  
Once they were finally on Invicible's doorstep, Ropponmatsu and   
  
Excel hopped off of Invincible's back. With the weight lifted from his   
  
back, Invincible was able to stand up straight again. He pressed the   
  
doorbell once his spine shifted back into it's normal state.(4)  
  
No sooner had the door opened than the immediate fussing and   
  
fretting began. In a whirlwind of motion and unintelligible words, the   
  
quartet found themselves ushered into the house that Invincible had   
  
grown up in by Invincible's mother, That Lady.  
  
That Lady had long blonde hair that reached the floor, had deep   
  
blue eyes like Invincible, and stood roughly equal to Excel in height.   
  
However, Excel grimaced as she noticed that, once again, another   
  
character had larger breasts than her. Why did she always get the   
  
short end of the stick? The bad pistachio? The gourmet dog food? The   
  
elastic parrot? What sort of pervert did she need to sell her   
  
unmentionables to in order to have a bust size equal to Hyatt?  
  
"Mom, calm down. I've only been gone for a few weeks."   
  
Invincible told her.  
  
"Yes, but you never told me that you were moving! I was worried   
  
sick!" That Lady responded.  
  
"I left six phone messages and sent you two postcards!"   
  
Invincible exclaimed.  
  
That Lady huffed, "I was trying to call you on how to use the   
  
answering machine again."  
  
"MAIL CALL! TWO POSTCARDS FROM YOUR SON, MS. THAT LADY! THEY   
  
SAY HE'S MOVING TO A NEW APARTMENT!" the postman called from outside.  
  
Invincible opened the door, punched out the postman and took the   
  
two postcards.  
  
The postman woke up a minute later, "Oh, hey Invincible... I   
  
didn't see you and your five brothers there... and why are you all   
  
swirling around me head? OOooooh-*" *THUD*  
  
"I forgot that the Japanese postal system is the third worst in   
  
the world, trailing the Canadian and American postal systems."   
  
Invincible sighed.  
  
"Yes. Yes, you did." That Lady admonished him.  
  
Meanwhile, Excel, Hyatt and Ropponmatsu were having a discussion   
  
on the side. Ropponmatsu expressed her concern, "Are you sure we   
  
shouldn't be worried? I mean, That Man was a primary antogonist to   
  
Pedro..."  
  
"Yes, but I get the feeling that even with an amibigious name   
  
like That Man's, the author couldn't possibly use her for the same   
  
purpose." Excel answered.  
  
"But what if she's actually That Man in disguise?" Hyatt   
  
inquired.  
  
"Then Invincible should be able to notice. I mean, he grew up in   
  
this house, after all. The prose even said so." Excel responded.  
  
Ropponmatsu spoke up, "But Mister Invincible isn't exactly the   
  
brightest piece of charcoal in the bag. Not to mention, the fact that   
  
he's an avatar could leave him more vulnerable to the author's evil   
  
machinations."  
  
"So, you're banging all three of these girls?" That Lady   
  
inquired, turning to the trio.  
  
All four of the regular cast blushed brightly, "NO!"  
  
"I'm dating Excel." Invincible said, pointing to Excel, who   
  
grimaced at the idea of dating an AVATAR.  
  
That Lady's eyes narrowed dangerously as she approached Excel.   
  
Excel began sweating, wondering if she'd interpreted Excel's expression   
  
correctly, when That Lady lifted Excel's shirt up, "Well, she's not   
  
exactly large breasted, but my grandkids won't starve."  
  
"MOM!" Invincible shouted in embarrassment, his face turned   
  
bright red.  
  
That Lady hugged Excel. At first, Excel thought that it was a   
  
'Welcome to the Family' hug, but That Lady began massaging her butt.  
  
That Lady broke the molesting 'hug', "Hmmm, strong butt   
  
muscles... good hips... she looks like she could bear some nice healthy   
  
grandkids. She'll do."  
  
That Lady pulled out a red stamp and pressed it to Excel's   
  
forehead before anyone, even Ropponmatsu, could react.  
  
"B Rating." That Lady announced.  
  
Invincible twitched out of sheer embarrassment, while Excel   
  
twitched with barely restrained anger. For some infathomable reason,   
  
she felt upset that she only ranked a 'B'.  
  
"Oh, but you all must be hungry. I'll go fix us some dinner."   
  
That Lady said, skipping off.  
  
"Well, at least it wasn't as bad as the time I brought a few   
  
other girls home." Invincible sighed, [Thank all the higher powers that   
  
exist that I decided not to bring K de C home.]  
  
Somewhere, a long lost cellular phone rang. And rang. And rang.   
  
Seeing as it was in the flooring of a resturaunt, the chances of anyone   
  
finding it were slim to nil. Had anyone found it, they would have   
  
noticed that someone had scratched the word "Excel" on the side of it.   
  
And had they worked there several months ago, they would know that a   
  
girl by that very name had worked there and had lost a cellular phone.  
  
However, since everyone who'd worked with Excel had been fired,   
  
relocated or had quit, no one knew about the missing phone. Thus, it   
  
would ring from time to time and there was only one conclusion people   
  
could come up with.  
  
"OH MY GAWD, THIS RESTURAUNT IS HAUNTED!" a crazy model screamed,   
  
running out of the Papa Subs sandwich shop.  
  
The clerk sighed with a mixture of relief and frustration. The   
  
crazy woman had been ordering everything on her sub then unordering   
  
half of that, but on the other hand, he had a sub that no one else in   
  
the world would touch with a ten foot pole.  
  
Then again... there was always one way to fix a sub...  
  
He glanced around, grabbed a bottle of honey mustard, then spread   
  
it liberally on top of everything already inside the sub. With no one   
  
looking, he closed the sandwich and took a bite, cream cheese,   
  
sprinkles, pickles, tomato and frosting squeezing out of the back end.   
  
He munched on it for a few seconds.  
  
Yes, honey mustard had saved the day again.(5)  
  
Kabapu looked at K de C with a quirked eyebrow.  
  
"What do you mean 'I guess I won't be getting that raise'?"   
  
Kabapu inquired.  
  
"I had to 'dispose' of Iwata." K de C explained.  
  
Kapabu frowned, looking puzzled. He stroked his chin   
  
thoughtfully, "You mean Iwata Norikuni?"  
  
K de C nodded.  
  
Kabapu looked at K de C with all seriousness in his eyes and made   
  
a declaration, "Iwata Norikuni wasn't a recruit. We'd rejected him   
  
because he annoyed me."  
  
"Then why did he show up every day for most of the week?" K de C   
  
asked.  
  
Before Kabapu could answer, Nimatsu suddenly entered, carrying a   
  
wicked-cool red and purple outfit, "Sir, you're due on the set of X-  
  
men..."(6)  
  
Kabapu sighed, and addressed K de C, "I'll ignore this matter if   
  
you help me restrain her and turn her off."  
  
It was going to be a long day as Nimatsu's eyes began glowing   
  
plaid, a sign that her defense subroutine had activated...  
  
Excel had to admit that, despite her crazed and misguided   
  
attitude towards getting her son laid, That Lady sure could cook.   
  
Perhaps pretending to be an avatar's girlfriend wasn't so bad, so long   
  
as it remained 'pretend'.  
  
In any case, it was time for the salute.  
  
"HAIL ILPALAZZO!" Hyatt, Excel, Invincible and Ropponmatsu   
  
chorused.  
  
Ilpalazzo's eyes looked at them with controlled indifference,   
  
which looked very much like his childishly gleeful, his malicious   
  
intent and his "I'm extremely hungry" looks.  
  
"You failed." Ilpalazzo declared.  
  
"How could we fail before we began?" Invincible asked.  
  
Ilpalazzo pulled the curtain rope harder than normal. The floor   
  
panel Invincible was standing on suddenly sprang up, launching   
  
Invincible into the ceiling. Then, as Invincible dislodged from the   
  
ceiling, the pit opened up beneath the falling avatar...  
  
=======================================================================  
  
Excel Saga: Alternate Universe  
  
Episode 4 - The Tuna Fish Sandwich  
  
Mission - Failed. Failed Utterly.  
  
=======================================================================  
  
(1) "It's like an ogre with an iron rod." is a proverb that indicates a   
  
double advantage. I changed it by adding, "and a habit of self-  
  
bludgeoning.", indicating that something that once had a great   
  
advantage now has a self-defeating flaw.  
  
(2) This is from Nut Punch Kamen, an improfanfic I greatly aided, then   
  
accidentally killed.  
  
(3) Wrapping someone up in a tatami mat is the Yakuza style of   
  
disposing of a body. The cement is added for an Olde Style Mobster   
  
feel. K de C is nothing if not original.  
  
(4) "Yer young, you can shake it off!" - A common statement made by   
  
adults.  
  
(5) A good honey mustard can get me to eat a lot of things I don't   
  
like. However, even I wouldn't eat something like that.  
  
(6) If you don't understand this, watch Excel Saga Episode 15 and pay   
  
close attention to the scene where Shioji Gojo tells Kabapu how long   
  
it'll take to fix the spare. Kapabu's BALD!  
  
Extra! Possible Name Translations!  
  
Roppon - six (long cylindrical things)   
  
Matsu - pine tree, To Wait, The End, Powder  
  
Ropponmatsu - six pine trees, six powders  
  
Sumi - arranged, taken care of, settled, charcoal, corner, nook,   
  
ink  
  
Yoshi - "OK!", "good!", "all right!", "well!", "So!", reason,  
  
significance, cause  
  
Sumiyoshi - arranged reason, settled cause,  
  
significant charcoal  
  
======================  
  
Edited Line:  
  
"That's... nice..." Invincible said, his knees trembling as he   
  
remained crouched, "But why do I have to carry all THREE of you?! AND   
  
WHILE WE'RE RIDING THE TRAIN?!"  
  
"Ropponmatsu explained this. Hyatt got the palanquin treatment   
  
for most of her life, so she can't walk very far without farting."   
  
Excel explained.  
  
"WHAT?!" Invincible exclaimed. 


End file.
